omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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