THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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