I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize