you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
