All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
