found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
