I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize