dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
