believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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