Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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