Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
