Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
