Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
