This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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