You're so nebulous sometimes
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize