I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
