You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
