I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
