God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
