if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
