Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
