The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
