i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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