I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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