I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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