the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
