rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
