i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
