You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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