btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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