Apparently you make a good broom.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
