You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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