I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Operation Purity has been aborted
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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