Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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