The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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