i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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