I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
if only i could text you this smell
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
