No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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