In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
