And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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