I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
