Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
