Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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