I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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