I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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