Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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