I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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