I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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