so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize