Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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