What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
