people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize