I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
