Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
