I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
