my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
